Fear.

I was once approached by a fellow Malaysian at a forum in Philadelphia earlier this year who asked me: "What are you most afraid of?"

This was of course 9AM in the morning on a Sunday and my philosophical slash pseudo analytical mind only wakes up past noon on the weekends. LOL. I couldn't answer him at that moment but this question built its little sanctuary at the corners of my mind for a while after. (The question was directed/concerning recent BERSIH 2.0 agendas)

I found the answer or more like developed my personal answer to the question while running one day. (Because my life is just so HIP!)

Why is it that animals that we clearly don't prey on run away from us even when we have absolutely NO intention whatsoever to harm them? For example, squirrels. Unless you're into the whole hunting squirrels slash everything that can be eaten and is available to be hunted down thing then I guess this doesn't apply to you. Why do birds fly away from us while we're just walking past? They live in constant fear EVERYDAY. But the question we need to answer here is fear of what exactly.

I clearly had and have no intention of becoming the next squirrel/bird serial killer in the near future. Instead, I like to appreciate the beauty of life these creatures possess. How can I when they run the other direction all the time?! So they live in fear of being preyed on by any predators( or anything they know will kill them, we humans must have done it at some point in the past thus developing this flight no fight reflex right?) They fear death. They fear not being able to live tomorrow. They fear of losing food, being injured, etc. They fear the CONSEQUENCES.

Yes I completely support the true intentions of these rallies. Yes I believe change needs to happen in Malaysia(who doesn't?). And yes people need to stand up and speak out about the underlying issues that the government has been "dexterously" sweeping into the corners. But the problem is we're preys in the country. And the predators have the money, the power, the advantage, the throne or the higher grounds. We run away because we all know the consequences and we all fear the consequences. The possibility of something bad happening to your family, the possibility of death, the possibility of imprisonment. How can we not fear consequences when the foundation of our morality depends on it.

Since ancient Greece, they established laws and regulations; those who abode lived peacefully and those who didn't suffered penalties. Consequences allow is to evaluate situations and differentiate right from wrong. Hypothetical situation: If you were a teenager and you were grounded or stripped off your monthly allowance because you failed an exam, you would know (hopefully) to never do it again or you'd suffer the consequences of not attending that Drake/Bieber/One Direction/Whatever-kids-are-into-these-days artist's concert. Without that, you'd possibly think it would be fine to flunk every class you take and still get by in life.

So yes I think fear of consequences have been long used in all circumstances a tool and to some extent a tool to proliferate propaganda. The government creates fear through the power invested in them to implement laws even when they're just nonsense.

What do you think? What do you think the community/you fear the most as a member of the general public?

Top of the mornin to ya!

Why hello existential viewers and subscribers of my blog!

I know it's been ages since my last blog post and indeed a lot has happened over the past one year. It's crazy how time flies! I'm one semester away from graduation. O.O

So topic of today: Derogatory words!

This was merely inspired by something I encountered today of course. Personal experiences make such great conversations no?

I had posted a video of an old school song by Notorious B.I.G. on my Facebook profile and a friend of mine commented quote :"Mah nigg"

Now, I understand that there are some people who think this is completely acceptable since it's constantly used in hip hop, RnB and rap music. I'm going to refer it as the N-word from this point onwards because I am completely uncomfortable with using that word. Derived from the Latin word for Black, the N-word is ,in all actuality, a pejorative word.

I had this unrelenting urge to comment in reply to that comment about how I don't think it should be a word he should use ever. I don't know about you but I think racist words like that should not be used in daily conversation especially in this era and particularly if you're a scholar of any kind. This is basic respect and cultural tolerance, I don't understand how someone would be comfortable using the word.

I consulted with another friend about this and got into a more interesting conversation.(by the way, I did tell the person off and deleted the comment) This other friend said I should have just ignored and not bother about it. But being the way I am, I can't just sit there and let the word remain for the world to see(and for FB to have it permanently saved forever!). He felt that by not saying a word about it, I would be the more mature person. And when I asked him if someone called him a "chink", would he just remain silent and let it be? According to his logic, N-word=Black person, and chink=Asian person. He also replied that it would only be an insult if I see it as an insult.

This is a very frustrating matter especially when you're hearing this from people who have received good higher education and were born and raised in a multicultural society. Clearly our education system has failed to teach these fundamental social appropriate usage of racial slurs. And it saddens me that their perception is that because it's still being used in certain conditions and in music, it's alright to use it in our conversations.

Yes, African American rappers/hip hop artists use these words, but does that really justify that it's alright to use it?

This is the problem with the world. Words like "bitches", "hoes" that are constantly used by people, particularly the youth, are derogatory words that persuaded them that it was alright to use them since they are constantly used in social media. Do these people not realize the impact/underlying implications of using these words? And WHY WOULD A WOMAN IN ANY STATE OF MIND WANT TO BE CALLED A BITCH? Imagine if this was socially acceptable in the world today. Imagine if it was accepted to formal writing. How can anyone walk away without taking it in offense.

Yes, in some context like rap and comedy, these words may seem "harmless" or "cool". But if you listen closely and think harder, they are usually representative of what these words really mean.

At the end of all this, how do I further explain this to my friends? How do I justify this because I have this all justified in my head, but I'm a complete failure at transferring this understanding.

Fun Fun Fun Fun?!

After WEEKS and possibly over a month of "NERD-ING" out in the library and my room, I finally decided I needed some excitement in my life and attempted to have fun at a DEBATE TEAM PARTY. Yes. Every year we have a debate competition on campus and every year they throw a party the night before the big competition at my dorm. You can only imagine the amount of FUN you would have at a party like this.

Best pick-up line of the night: "You're probably not on the debate team, you look way too cool to be on a debate team." HA. HILARIOUS.

Worst pick-up line of last year: "Who's the president of Tanzania? You don't even know this?! You're F***ing IGNORANT!"

Question of the day: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE?! Did they miraculously forget to learn to be considerate and have some self-respect and self-confidence while developing the skills to make their arguments?

I'm sorry but "That don't impress me much". Take a step down the ego ladder, learn to communicate with girls and gain some self-confidence. And I promise this would be more beneficial than trying to prove that you're better than us.

SIDE TRACK! I'd like to go to a party where I can have a whole night of fun dancing and meeting people who are not entirely pissed ass drunk. And I'd like to meet people who FOR ONCE would not have some hidden agenda of trying to get into some girl's pants for the night. Parties are not exactly the place to find these people. What ever happen to romance? What ever happen to getting to know a person before sticking your tongue down her throat?

This would be one of the culture shocks I would never get use to in the US. I don't get the whole fad or culture of hooking up with a random person for a night. Why have meaningless sex or actions of love? Maybe I'm being hard headed but I like to think that sweet romance still exists. I guess you can say I'm old school with values I can't quite let go of.

Ignore me, I'm trying to find some kind of excitement in life. I guess that's what summer is for because school and finals are currently taking over my life.

My Niche

I hope everyone's been enjoying my splurge of posts this week! Topic of the Day: Finding your Niche. I can't quite put a finger on why I decided to name this post as such but I think it sort of relates to what I'm about to talk about.

Being educated in a British based education system back home whilst attending an international school, I was programmed to focus on one aspect of my education and forget about the rest as a result of streaming. I would even go to the extent of not only focusing on sciences but also focusing on being in the Top 10 in the class or scoring above 90 in every class. It had never dawned upon me to stop and think if what I was learning was something I was truly passionate about. And I think this is a MAJOR drawback for students especially those who have been educated in the British education system.

After being accepted in Bryn Mawr College, I realized that I was clueless on what I truly felt passionate about pursuing as a career. Yes it is true that we all don't really know what we want at such an early stage of our lives. But I am pretty sure that by the end of high school, everyone would have some sense of what they really enjoy learning. I think I have the "EVERYTHING-interests-me-and-I-can't-quite-decide-on-ONE" syndrome. I would love to learn about everything and Bryn Mawr College or any liberal arts college really provides that environment for me to explore them. However, I am a Chemistry major and we have quite a load of major requirements that really limit the freedom and time we have to dive into non-science related fields. And to top it all off, I am in the midst of deciding between finishing my BA degree in 3 years or 4 years like normal college students do. I am haunted by the question everyday by friends and my thoughts wander off trying to push me off to one side of that very high brick wall I have been casually tip-toeing on for the past one semester.

So everyday I question myself: Where is my niche? I love food, cooking, inorganic chemistry, materials science, engineering, appreciating art, making art, dance, learning about religions, and want to help empower more women in pursuing their dreams and gaining the respect we deserve in the modern day society; and the list is never ending. I guess some could be categorized as hobbies rather than something I would potentially pursue in the future. Then comes the ultimate question of all time: Will I be able to make enough money to support myself in the future? As much as I would like to believe that the most important aspect to consider is your interest, it is painstakingly true that we have to also consider money in such important life decisions. The more I think deeper on this issue, the more I find myself in a whirlpool of contradictions! This leads me to think that sometimes( and for people like me), having choices can be detrimental to my mental health. LOL!

On a side note, my college recently threw a "Spring Fling Party" outside one of the dining halls. We had hot dogs, burgers, "Mojitos", some fruity banana shake, cotton candy stands and a giant kid's pool of ice cream! Oh all the excitement and fun! Except I had just finished the most STRESSFUL 5 hour lab prior to this occasion and couldn't quite bring myself to enjoy the beautiful warm sunny day. The college also had a live band, those bloated up obstacle courses and rock climbing things they have in kid's carnivals and a Dance Revolution machine??? Yeah, my college does these random fun things occasionally. I wish I had pictures to show everyone because I'm pretty sure you'd be highly entertained by college students being kids for a day. It's always a good thing to have break and try to be a kid again; being in school for too long makes everyone forget the feeling of being free of problems and having the purest tinge of happiness in the form of smiles and laughter. Oh how I would give it all up to be 5 or 8 years old again. *mind drifting*

-Without a Care in the World-
Taken at Coney Island by me over Fall Break 2010.

Comment below if you'd like or leave a message! I spend my nights in my lonely room for comments or messages!

It's a WOMAN'S World

Two entries on ONE NIGHT?! This is obviously a planned deviation from completing my inorganic problem set. I did not have the intention of boring you with my long-winded discussions in my previous entry. Now back to my INITIAL topic I wanted to discuss.

A few days back, I had lunch with a group of people during MF. It was a table of 6, 2 women including me and 4 men. The other woman and I were both from women's liberal arts colleges specifically Seven Sisters Colleges. One particular egotistical gentleman asked the other woman which college she was currently studying at and she answered: "Wellesley College". The gentleman enthusiastically asked: "So how is the lesbian life there?"

Now you can only imagine how I must have felt having been in educated in a women's college for almost 2 years now. I may have been slightly and I would like to emphasize SLIGHTLY over reacting to such a stereotypical question. I clearly do not see the relationship between being educated in a single sex college and having a lesbian life. So here is the topic at hand, why is it that when it comes to a huge group of women in a community having an enriching academic life, people or particularly some men immediately think of lesbians?

If we had the same situation but instead single sex male colleges, would the very next thing a woman asks a man be:"So how's the gay life there?" I may seem slightly biased but I do not necessarily mean to point fingers at genders over this issue. We come back to the whole IGNORANT idea.

So to all those who think empowering women being educated in a woman's college is a life of lesbian orgies everyday, I think you should kick yourselves. You may not understand what we experience being in a single sex environment and I do not expect everyone to have a complete understanding. However, I hope that this sexual connotation to women's college would one day be diminished from your minds and you would see the other more important aspects and privileges we have being in a single sex community.

In my opinion, a single sex community is a place where every woman has the utmost freedom to be who they truly are and to grow or develop into their true being without the fear of being judged, discriminated or being an outcast. We as a community tend to understand rather than passing quick judgments and segregating different from normal or popular from unpopular. It is in a single sex community where being different is normal and acceptable. We do not learn by excluding people we find socially unacceptable either among your peers or college community.

I will leave on a quick note that I hope the next time you come across anything related to a single sex college, that you would stop and take the time to realize that it is not at all about the lesbians and NEVER has it been about that.

I finally completed my 1026 piece puzzle of Mona Lisa. Isn't she B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L?

I have known many graduates of Bryn Mawr. They are all of the same mold. They have all accepted the same bright challenge: something is lost that has not been found, something's at stake that has not been won, something is started that has not been finished, something is dimly felt that has not been fully realized. They carry the distinguishing mark – the mark that separates them from other educated and superior women: the incredible vigor, the subtlety of mind, the warmth of spirit, the aspiration, the fidelity to past and to present. As they grow in years, they grow in light. As their minds and hearts expand, their deeds become more formidable, their connections more significant, their husbands more startled and delighted. I once held a live hummingbird in my hand. I once married a Bryn Mawr girl. To a large extent they are twin experiences. Sometimes I feel as though I were a diver who had ventured a little beyond the limits of safe travel under the sea and had entered the strange zone where one is said to enjoy the rapture of the deep.- EB White

I Dream of a Dream

It's in due time that I post something to add to your already exuberant lives! Recently, I took the opportunity to escape the Bryn Mawr bubble of stress and headed up to Boston to attend the annual Malaysian Forum(MF). So there I was dozing off into the best sleep I have had in weeks on a rather gloomy rainy Friday afternoon. For 6.5 hours, I felt my butt gradually surrender to numbness.

There were two things I was particularly excited to be a part of: MF and MIT's Pre-Frosh Weekend (PFW). All feelings of excitement and nervousness of meeting and making new friends and have a deeper experience in the life of a MIT student manifested over the days prior to my trip to the very second I entered the grounds of MIT. There is something about Boston I find mesmerizing; MIT, the transport system, the architecture, the cobblestone streets, the Commons, the river, I could go on and the list would never end. These objects or rather aspects are in fact very common even in Philadelphia, but I guess I seem to have an unknown and indecipherable attraction to the city.

Every college in the US dedicate a weekend to host prospective students or admitted students who are in the midst of deciding which college to enroll in. I find this a highly beneficial opportunity for students to have a gist of what the college life despite the fact that these events are usually catered to satisfy or entertain and somewhat influence a prospective student's decision to enrolling in the college. (Hey it's a business strategy right? Current students are the sales people and their college education or college is their product.) Each prospective weekend or PFW is unique to each college. At MIT, they have fireworks, explosions and funny hacks. If you don't already know what a hack is: one of MIT's tradition is hacking where students group together and plan to play a prank on the school, most of these hacks have included putting a police car with a police dummy having a doughnut on the roof of their famous dome on campus. While I was there, they hung a beach mat with a stuffed dog curling up on a beach chair next to a child sized pool and a beach ball, high up on their infamous MIT sign. MIT never fails to entertain and leave me in a state of awe each time I visit.

In one of MIT's hallway dubbed the "infinity" hall, students had installed a Mood-o-Meter. This was an ingenious set up consisting of a camera and a flat screen display. Anyone who passed by the camera would be detected and if they were smiling, the program would display a green smiley face on top of their faces; if they were frowning, the program would display a yellow frowning face on top of their faces. It also measured the intensity of your happiness or smile on a scale of 0-100. SPECTACULAR! I was utterly amazed so much so I almost forgot to take a photo! MIT students are truly blessed with the brains, resources and freedom to create and innovate. I can only imagine how amazing it must be to be a MIT student; I would never get tired of a school like that. It was like as if time had reversed and I was back to being a kid in a candy store.

Returning to MF, I met and made new friends and old friends from all over the US. In all honesty, I came to the conference feeling rather reluctant and cynical after a previous experience. Change is indeed needed in Malaysia but how much of a difference or impact can a 20 year old stressed out about life after graduation student like me make? The topics and speakers this year was no doubt more interesting and thought provoking than the previous year. The main topic at hand was related to the bright future of Malaysia and the decision of Malaysians abroad to return home. There are many things I would love to do back home but in reality where one has to be selfish first to be selfless later, I would say my perspective on this issue would be rather biased. Dreams are good and dreams are great, and so are optimism and visions. But we all know that there are many occasions that serve as examples of the unrelenting effect when reality bites and WOAH BOY does it bite hard.

After all that is said, I should probably share my view on the issue. Malaysia is a developing country with as much political instability as a man with one foot off the edge of a cliff. With that said, yes I am optimistic of the country's future but this change will not be immediate and nor will it be easy. I do not see myself as a 21 year old fresh graduate with a BA in Chemistry back home giving back to the society as a.....I don't even know what I could possibly be when I return home. At least this is not a vision of myself that I imagine being involved in at the age of 21. Yes, as scholars we should give back to the country. But if we are fighting to survive ourselves financially, then there are sacrifices we must make early in our career. I am sure many parents find this true. Many parents who tell their children to stay abroad and not return. They have gone through the years of struggling and the cycles of political unrest in the country. With their experiences, they are part of the upcoming generations' history. They must have some foresight of what might arise in the coming years. They too were once youths with a world full of dreams and aspirations. Did they all expect to be where they are today?

I agree that we all have an emotional and sentimental attachment to what we define as "home". As part of the many sacrifices worth making, I think a detachment would only allow us to mature and be mentally prepared for many other heart wrenching events in life. Now allow me to clarify this idea of detachment. I do not imply detachment in the sense of leaving and forgetting about your family but allowing the idea of family to be grow more in an abstract state of mind rather than something physical. One does not necessarily need to be physically or rather geographically close to family members to feel at "home". As we age and enter into our years of adolescence, home becomes more than just a roof over people who are blood related to you. Home becomes the phone calls or Skype sessions from your parents and siblings, it becomes the care packages your parents send over, it becomes the birthday cards you find in your mailbox, it becomes the conversations on what graduate school you're going to apply for.

I shall conclude with this: We humans are selfish beings by nature. And therefore by default, I can not yet agree to returning home and dedicating my life after only the bare minimum years of education at such an early stage of my hopefully successful career. When I have decided that I have spent too many years being a modern day Scrooge in my road to educational enrichment and of course financial stability, only then would I truly and completely give my country what they have lost. Selfish as it seems, this is what reality is.And I cannot deny that there are instances where I wish I could impact the community back home, but my character in this play is none but a minor role. I do not completely dismiss the idea of giving back to the society, my contributions would come in unplanned periods in my life.

I am truly inspired by every Malaysian out there who have decided to take the leap, dedicate the rest of their career and return home to help equip the upcoming generations with the weapons to conquer the battles that lay ahead. Hats off to everyone who never failed to be optimistic of the country's future and the changes that have been made hopefully for the betterment of the society. I wish you all good luck!

MIA

If you have been following me, you're probably wondering: "Where did this wonderful lady named Suyin disappear to? She doesn't seem to post any more entries with her spectacular philosophies of life." Sometimes I flatter myself. HAHA!

So I believe I left my blog idle on the note that I was down with the flu. Well let's just say my health isn't really having the BEST year this year. I had the flu, then had keratits and an abrasion of my cornea the week after that and had to go to the hospital emergency room. Totally recovered and THEN what could possibly happen next?? I FELL SICK THE WEEK AFTER THAT! with a cold and cough. But I made it to Spring break=) After a two day trip to NY, a 4 day finance course back in Philadelphia, 2 days straight of working on a puzzle and 1 day of homework and midterms, I WAS BACK TO NORMAL! Healthier and happier than I've ever been before. Great things are ahead of me.

As you all may have already know, an earthquake that caused a tsunami hit Japan earlier last week. And may all our prayers be with those who have lost a loved one. So I woke up two days ago with a youtube post on my FB feed. A UCLA student named Alexandra Wallace had made a video ranting about Asians. Here's a link:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/14/alexandra-wallace-racist-video_n_835505.html

Not to criticize or emotionally respond to this video but I was personally offended. However, I was not offended by the fact that she pointed out things that she was annoyed by but by the fact that she decided to put it out there on the internet for millions of people to see. Yes we're EVERYWHERE and maybe that's because we're like 60% of the world population?! Yes some people might end up talking on the phone in the library BUT THAT'S BY CHANCE and it is not anyone's right or anyone in the right mind to think that they categorize every Asian to act similarly. So yes, it was infuriating but you know what, it is completely normal to react to such degrading comments generalizing the whole Asian population. Don't hate. Ignorance in situations like these is bliss. We have more important things in life and there are so many disastrous events that are worth our time and concern besides this one ignorant UCLA student. So forgive and forget but always learn that ignorance of cultures and learning new things and new cultures is not going to lead to progress.

That is what I have to say for now. I hope everyone is enjoying life as much as I am!

Cheers! And happy soon to be St Patty's!